I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
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1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Pringles
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
*exercises sarcastically*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me irl