HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]