I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please