I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

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I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.


My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”


So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.


15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!


Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.


[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’


Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.


“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”


Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”