@LarrysTwin99

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

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@pharmasean

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

@osigat

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

@ScottLinnen

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

@Try2StopME

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

@AnnietheNanny1

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

@ddsmidt

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

@Jesssicle

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”