“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
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[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Current mood: Potato
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)