I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
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[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.