I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
You Might Also Like
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
me, after any kind of buffet.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.