I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
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very niche meme I made
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
That’s incredible! 👌
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age