I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
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I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.