I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
yall want some gasoline milk
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
he chose this
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.