I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
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DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
An odd boast
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak