I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition