I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.