I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.