I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
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Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.