[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism