I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
i made a craigslist ad !
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.