*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Time heals everything 🙂
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle