I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
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The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
A French press is when you hug naked
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.