@XplodingUnicorn

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

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@diaruba74

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

@etherealraccoon

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

@krakkenlackin

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

@HomeProbably

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

@UnFitz

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

@AutisticDad23

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

@13spencer

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.