@diaruba74 When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
@XplodingUnicorn I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
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@diaruba74 
@OhNoSheTwitnt Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
@etherealraccoon If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
@krakkenlackin “You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
@HomeProbably There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
@Marcmywords2 Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
@Brentweets Need WebMD
@UnFitz Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
@AutisticDad23 Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
@13spencer Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.