I wanna be friends with this person
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Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants