i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Become ungovernable.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life