I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
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“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.