i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it