I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Perfect
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
S M O L
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.