I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
This kinda thing happens to me often
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.