I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
You Might Also Like
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.