I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.
“Come on in for a Gouda time!”
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I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
every college guy’s fridge
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I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.