I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
cause of death:
autopsy.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
lost dog
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom