I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees