I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
the last thing a carrot sees
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up