I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
You Might Also Like
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*