i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
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“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I had to Stop for this
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋