The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
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i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
it’s the silliest best thing
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?