Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.