i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.