@PlasmaChemist Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
@ch000ch i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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@PlasmaChemist 
@AlexandraErin The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
@Book_Krazy Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
@imence2 Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
@joejwest [chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
@BuckyIsotope Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
@fuzzlime It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
@FeralCrone A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
@T_Bonezzz_ Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
@reallifemommy3 I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess