Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Incredible customer service.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.