Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills