Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?