I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”