I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
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Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.