@sgrstk

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

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@HatfieldAnne

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

@WheelTod

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

@smiles_and_nods

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

@TheCiscoKidder

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

@girl_a_whirl

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

@EmmaManzini

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

@curlycomedy

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

@mommy_cusses

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

@ericsshadow

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

@

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