I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
You Might Also Like
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Not all heroes wear capes…
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
how it started vs how it ended
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.