I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
You Might Also Like
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?