Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

😼🖥️

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.