I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.