I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Webb. James Webb.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely