I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR