I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
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[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
The Punning Dead.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
LA today:
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]