I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.