I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Sniffing the broccoli
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.