i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My typo game is string.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great