I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
mumsnet is amazing
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.