I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
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Those are good neighbors.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!